When is Enough, Enough?

Have you ever realized that you are your teen’s hero as long as your wallet is out? It’s an interesting phenomena – I go from being an ignorant annoyance to being amazing with the flick of a credit card.

Some days, it’s nice to be loved and show love by making them happy. Other days, it’s downright frustrating when the attitude turns on the minute a request is made to pick up, clean up, or just be home in time for dinner.

No – this isn’t the Holiday Inn. That’s the mantra around this house. You don’t have a hotel room with free continental breakfast and maid service – you have a family and a home where responsibilities are expected.

Sigh… Can you tell it’s been a rough afternoon?

So, what do you do to keep balance in a home with teenagers? Or is it just mine? No, I know it’s not. Couldn’t be, right?

Teen Turmoil

We’ve been having a bit of teen turmoil over the last few months. My son’s girlfriend is away at college making distance an issue, and my daughter has moved into an apartment with three girls, one of which is oil to her water.

Needless to say, there have been more than one night where the drama has taken over the family.

How do you handle teen turmoil?

One the one hand, as adults, we’ve been through many of the events that are now new to our teens. We know about lost love, about having to be patient for what we want, about dealing with tough personalities. So, when our teens come to us, the answer can seem to be obvious. Unfortunately, it’s only obvious to us. Typcially, they don't buy in.

I’ve been told more than once that I can’t understand because I didn’t grow up in their time period. What? Yes, I’m old, but not ancient. The funny thing is, the tools for drama might change, but the drama itself is as much a rerun as “I Love Lucy.”

Here’s the "modern" advice I’ve accumulated over many late night discussions:

1. Stop texting! Drama only increases when you text.

2. Take the argument or issue off of Facebook. It’s no bodies business and WILL escalate the issue.

3. Talk to the person directly – not through your friend who is friends with their best friend.

4. Give a little.

5. Say everything with kindness. (or Kill them with kindness as it were.) You will win if you are the one to keep a level head.

6. However, it’s not always about winning – admit when you are in the wrong.

7. Stop thinking everything is the end of the world – the world will revolve tomorrow and the next day and the next. Take things in stride – you’re a teenager just getting started in life.

8. What matters now will seem much less significant in ten years. This may not be entirely comforting, but remember that you are still young. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

9. Plan for the future, live in the present, and learn from the past. Leaving any one of these out can result in those “end of world” feelings.

10. Remember you are loved. It’s OK to have hard times; you are still loved.

These are my top ten. What about you? What advice do you give your teens in turmoil? Do they listen?

Sending Teens to College

College is something I have worried about for my kids from the day they were born. I was raised in a family where my father worked as an administrator at universities. I grew up in college, so to speak. So, when it came time for me to graduate high school, I knew I was going to college. I was surprised to find that there would be no financial support coming from my family. I guess I always assumed they had planned for it. Assumption is a dangerous thing, but one that teens are prone to. Luckily for me, I qualified for grants, loans and work-study. The middle being an issue I didn’t think twice about as a teenager. Loans… Sure, I had them, but what did that mean? It was something I would worry about after I graduated.


Now that I’m much older and just a little bit wiser, I realize that loans, while often necessary, come with a price. That price is called interest. I vowed that as my children became college-aged that I would help them pay for college defraying much of that cost. What I didn’t count on is the dramatic increase in the costs of education over the twenty years since I had been there. College, especially four-year colleges, are expensive!

So, plan B. We would pay for the first two years. Then, if they chose a four-year institution, we would pay for room and board providing it was not local. (Out-of-state is out of the question.) Scholarships would have been nice, but we didn’t go that route much to my hindsight dismay. I feel blessed beyond measure to be able to do this much for them.

The economy is not playing nice – it really changes our perspectives about pursuing a degree. Back in the day, education was the pursuit of knowledge. We don’t have that luxury today. Now, there must be a lucrative end goal for the investment to be worth it. I realized that just expecting my kids to go to college without a plan in mind wasn’t realistic. We needed to really consider all avenues. That’s what we are doing now.

My oldest has gone the four-year route. She spent one semester at home going to the community college and is now away at the university she always dreamed of. The catch – transferring may have made her four-year stay into five years. Yikes! That’s a lot of debt for her to take on, especially since her end goal is to teach.

My oldest son graduates this January. He will be at the community college in the spring fulfilling some of the general education requirements. Right now, he’s trying to decide between going to a four-year institution or taking a vocational path and earning an associate’s degree and certifications to work in the automotive industry. Based on our research to date, the latter seems like the more profitable approach.

There’s a lot to be done between now and next spring. He’ll have to make choices, she’ll have to figure out if she can afford another year, and we’ll have to determine just how we can get the two younger ones positioned to know what they want to do and have the scholarships to pave the way. Phew!

What has been your approach to post-high school with your children?